April 19, 2015.
Which is harder: staying in a place and watching all your friends
leave or leaving the place where all of your friends are?
If you’d asked me this question four years ago, I would’ve
most certainly said the first. I mean, it seems to make the most sense, right?
You’re the one being left behind while the people you befriended then did life
with go on to new chapters of their lives, new beginnings, one’s without you in
them. You’re the one stuck in some weird state of perpetual “past” and you’re
left in a place stained with memories from those who’ve left. And two years ago
this is exactly where I found myself. My freshman year all of my friends were
juniors, so I guess I should’ve seen it coming. I knew their time here would be
up long before mine, and as the semesters passed and it came time for them to
graduate I was fearful of what Gordon would be like after they’d leave. All I’d
ever known of Gordon was the Gordon that they had showed me. Would I make it on
my own? Would I be able to feel a sense of belonging here once they left? What
will their new lives look like and how much of them will I even see? I was
scared being left behind with only fading memories of the friends I once knew
so closely. You see, you’d think this one would be the challenging one. I thought
so, too. But jump to today…
...It’s my turn to graduate. 4 weeks from today I will be an alum
of Gordon College, no longer a student. I’m leaving. And in so doing I’m
leaving behind so many people who have come to mean so much to me. You see, I
thought it was harder to be left, but I’m learning that it’s actually harder to
leave. And maybe I only know this because I was once the one who was left. And
I survived it. I realized that even though those friends were, and still are,
so important to me, my Gordon story goes on even after they’re gone. Life keeps
going, and you meet new people, and soon those are the people who you spend
your days with. It’s selfish, really, when you break it down like that. I don’t
expect that I’m some irreplaceable person whose presence is pivotal enough to
so many people here at Gordon that once removed the entire structure will
collapse. In fact, I think almost the complete opposite. I’ve always seen
myself as one of those students who goes under the radar. But it’s so unbelievably
and incomprehensibly hard to come to terms with the idea that I’m leaving
behind the people I’ve come to love and that for them, Gordon is going to go on
without me here. But I guess that’s the downside of becoming friends with
people who aren’t in your grade. You’ll one day have to say goodbye, and leave
them behind.
So which is harder: staying in a place and watching all your
friends leave or leaving the place where all of your friends are? The latter. I’ll
always choose the latter.
[alc]
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