Graduation Rumination IX - Beauty in the Fleeting

March 23, 2015.

I mentioned a few weeks ago in my blog “Graduation Rumination VI - A Season of Lasts” that I’m somewhat appreciative of graduation because it’s made me see Gordon in an entirely new light. I’ve talked about the idea of beauty in the fleeting before, too, but I think it’s worth revisiting.

If there’s one good thing that’s come of graduation it’s that it made me fall back in love with Gordon again. I was lucky enough to come to Gordon freshman year and love it. Really, I didn’t just like it here, I loved every single thing about it, the people, the professors, the classes I was taking, the campus, the town, the beaches near by, every single thing. But somewhere in between a bad break up, some lost friendships, a few bad grades, and classes I wasn’t all that into, I started to lose that initial love I had when I got to Gordon. Situations and circumstances tarnished the good that I could see so clearly before. Layers of anger and rejection and discouragement built up. The school I had come to love was hidden behind these layers of pain and hurt. I had completely lost track of all the good. It was as if my eyes were trained to only see the bad, and I couldn’t look around it. No matter how hard I tried I was caught in a perspective of negativity. And my inability to break free from my perspective resulted in my resignation. I gave into it, I let it become my default perspective, I let it become who I was, and I let it completely obliterate any good I had once seen here. But somehow when you know something wont be around forever you begin to see the good in it again. You begin to realize that there is so much beauty around you, around any pain you might be going through. There is so much good, if you would only chose to see it. I couldn’t for a while, chose to see it, I mean, but somehow I was forced to. Somehow the impending date of graduation made me realize what I really had here. Those layers I couldn’t see past? They started to break away, erode, dissipate, until they were gone for good. It wasn’t until I realized my time left here could be counted in days that I was able to fall in love with Gordon all over again. I guess what they say is true, “you never know what you’ve got till it’s gone.” I got lost for a while in the middle. I got distracted and discouraged and I lost sight of what I had. But man, am I sure glad I found it again while there was still time left. I’m so thankful for the experiences I’ve had at Gordon, even the bad ones. Back in my sophomore year (though it could’ve been my junior) I tweeted “they say college is the best years of your life. I can honestly say that’s not the case.” But today I couldn’t disagree with my past self more. You’ve only got four years of your entire life in college and if you don’t at least try to love it with all you’ve got, you’re doing something wrong.

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To risk

What would it be like

to speak more freely

to love more deeply

to dare more boldly?

What would you

say

feel

do?

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the process of taking risks. First you realize what you might want. You go back and forth trying to determine if it’s actually what you want and you talk to people seeking their affirmation that it’s what you want. And once you decide it is in fact something you want you start to envision how you’re going to get there. You make plans in your mind and you run those plans past people and you weight the pro’s and con’s to see if this is actually something that’s going to benefit you in the long run. You look at all possible scenarios, the good ones and the bad, and you go back and forth some more about what you should do. And if you decide the possibility of a good outcome weighs more than the pain of a bad one, you commit to action. You spend some more time trying to plan that course of action, but eventually you’ll settle on that, too. But all of that is the easy part. It’s only after you’ve made a commitment that you begin to really dig deep. Here come the questions. How do you know if it’s right or if it’s reckless? What do you do if you fail? What do you do if you get rejected, judged, criticized, abandoned? All of the “what-if’s” tick by in the back of your mind some days forcing themselves right to the front, so much so, you’re blinded to all rational thought. I’m in that phase right now, and I’m wrestling through what life would be like if there was a little less fear. What would you do if you weren’t so afraid all the time? Would you apply for your dream job? Would you tell someone you like that you like them? Would you work outside of your comfort zone knowing that you’re risking a grade? What would life be like, what would it actually be like, if you spoke more freely, loved more deeply, and dared more boldly? I’m not sure I know, but I’m beginning to wonder if I’m up for finding out.

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I can't get enough of the sound (part III)

Smile – Mikky Ekko

“We’re trying so hard to get it all right

But only feel lonely at the end of the night

And I wanna be somewhere away from this place

Yeah, somewhere just a little closer to grace.”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e0RFirBWQsE

To The Top – Twin Shadow

“I’m not scared if you run to me

Lost like when you were mine.

And you can take what you want from me

Just offer me your time.”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fqdvHxdeJjQ

Saturn – Sleeping At Last

“You taught me the courage of stars before you left

How light carries on endlessly, even after death

With shortness of breath, you explained the infinite

How rare and beautiful it is to even exist.”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h3lWwMHFhnA

[alc]

Engrained

I think I’ve memorized

what people’s lips look like

when the words

you’re too much for me

escape from behind their teeth.

I think the sound

of those five words

have been forever engrained

into the drums of my ears.

I think I’ve grown accustomed

to the chilling air that

surrounds me in that moment.

I think the stinging lump in my

throat will never subside,

I think I’ll never be what people want.

[alc]

Graduation Rumination VIII - Pre-Change

March 4, 2015.

One of my favorite books, Paper Towns by John Green says, “It is so hard to leave—until you leave. And then it is the easiest goddamned thing in the world.” I read this book back in the summer of 2014 and while I resonated with Green’s sentiments then, I’m not sure I fully understood them in light of transition until now. I’ve kind of always operated in alignment with Green’s claim. I’ve always feared change, until the change happens, and then I realize it wasn’t as bad as I’d made it out to be. Most recently I can attest to the validity of this in light of my disposition surrounding my leaving for Haiti back in January. The very last thing I wanted to do what leave the comfort of home for the discomfort of Blanchard, Haiti. You could tell in my hesitancy to leave my house that January morning and drive to Gordon that I was resisting this change, I was resisting the leaving. But once I arrived at Gordon shortly after I left, I was eager to go. I think this is how lot of life goes for me. I never want to leave Gordon at the end of a year, but once I’m home I’m happy. And three months later none of me wants to go back to Gordon, but once I’m here, I’m happy again. It’s crazy, really, the way my mind wants so badly to never go, but once I’m gone I reach a place of ultimate contentment, one that makes my new location the place I never want to leave.

So in light of graduation I’m wondering if this same rule will apply. Am I actually just stuck in a stage of “pre-change” that’s worse than the change itself? Is the anticipation of the end wearing on me more than the ending itself will? In all other instance, though, I’ve never left a place for the last time. I know I’ll be back to Haiti, and I’ve always known that when I leave Gordon in the spring I’ll be back again in three months. Was it this knowledge that kept the ending for crushing me? I don’t think that I’ll know for sure until it happens, though. Which makes this pre-change stage all the worse.

Pre-change is a time to think about and wrestle with all that lies ahead. Pre-change distorts your vision. For now, I can’t see beyond the goodbyes I’ll have to say come May. I can’t see beyond the little endings, the little lasts that will take place before I load my car up for the last time and drive back to Connecticut. Pre-change blinds you to the benefits that will surely come once the change has taken place. Pre-change is a dwelling place, a time of suspension, of limbo, where you’re mentally preparing for the next stage of life, while still physically occupying this one. But how do you that? How do you coexist in the present and the future? I suppose that’s where calming your anxieties come in, where you employ Matthew 6:34. But how can you not think ahead at least a few beats? I’m not sure I’ll ever figure this one out. But what I do know is that pre-change is a hollow space where existence feels somehow distant, and disconnected. Pre-change is a time of pondering and preparation; it is a dwelling place. But most of all, pre-change, I’m coming to understand more and more, is often times a whole lot worse than the change itself.

Fingers crossed I’m right.

[alc] 

I can't get enough of the sound (part II)

Favorite Song – Kaiser Cartel

“Stuck in my head, replaying again,

I don’t mind.

Stuck in my heart, finish to start,

it’s all right.”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XVd8tk78R00

Forever – Matt Hires

“I wish that we could lay right here

and never think about our fears forever.

Forget about tomorrow's light,

I only wanna hold tonight forever.”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N3RpFRs2L70

If The Hudson Overflows – Goldspot

“What's the use in worrying about

the ways in which the world might come to end

when all along

there's been a book

on the side of the bed

you never read.”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QG8Q5o1yrjU

Let Your Heart Hold Fast – Fort Atlantic

“To believe I walk alone

is a lie that I’ve been told.

So let your heart hold fast

for this soon shall pass

like the high tide takes the sand.”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pXJysswyIFo

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Graduation Rumination VII - Don't Wish It Away

March 3, 2015.

(This was written at the end of last semester [Fall 2014] and edited today)

With graduation just over a quad away I’m sitting here wrestling with the notion of change. I have hated it here, but I have also loved it here. There’s been bad here, but there was also good here. I’ve spent a lot of time here very unhappy and wishing so badly to be free from this place. I so badly desired to be in the next stage of life where I’d finally have it all figured out and settle down somewhere so my life. Could really begin. I spent so long so desperately wanting something better, something only a fresh start could give me. I was stuck in a “grass is greener on the other side,” mentality, and I let that ruin what was right here in front of me all along. So I’ve since been contemplating the idea that you shouldn’t live any chapter of your life unhappily simply because you’re ready for the next chapter to begin. You’ll get there when you get there, no sooner, no later, and you’re sure as hell not going to speed up time. So since none of this is in your control, why would you choose to spend a single minute of your current circumstance unhappy? I understand that there are extenuating circumstances, bad things happen, people get hurt, and stay hurt, but in light of that, I’d challenge you to focus your sights on the good. Life on earth isn’t very long, it’s a grain of sand along the shore, and you’d better get to living every second of it before it’s too late. Because once a chapter closes you can’t go back, you can thumb through old photographs hoping for a memory, but you can’t go back. So yes, graduation is coming and that’s scary and exciting, and the next chapter of life holds so much promise, but don’t you dare let that promise rob today of it’s beauty.

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