Remember that time
when we got in our first fight?
You were so angry with me because I refused to stop using
tanning oil. I hated that you wanted me to change what I was doing. All I ever
wanted was to “do me” and all I cared about was how tan I was, not what I could
be doing to my skin in the long run. I yelled, I ignored you; I said a lot of
hurtful things. But you were only loving me, in that moment. You were only
caring for me, protecting me, and loving
me. But how I treated you then? That wasn’t love.
Remember that time
when we got in a fight because of the people you were friends with?
I hated that you seemed to chose them over me sometimes. You
thought I was asking too much…and the truth is, I was. I don’t know how I could
have ever been showing you love when asking you to spend less time with friends
you had long before you ever met me. But no matter how much I yelled, you only
gave me what I wanted…and that was love.
Remember that time
when we got in a fight because you were too into sports?
I got so frustrated with how much you loved sports and for all
of the times you couldn’t just stop being so obsessed with them when I was
around. I just wanted you to do the things I
was interested in, and drop whatever you loved if I didn’t love it as much as
you. And you know what? Asking you to do that wasn’t love. You’re desire to
share the things you were passionate about with me? That was love.
Remember that time
when we got in a fight because you ran to Singing Beach and were too tired to
play catch with me?
I hated that you
wasted all of your energy with your guys and had no energy to spend time with
me. I yelled, I made a scene, and I made you so angry that day. In fact, that
might’ve been the first day I ever saw you really angry at me. You just wanted
to relax on the beach with your girlfriend, and that was love. I got mad at you
for being tired, and that for sure wasn’t love.
Remember that time
when we got in a fight because you had a summer job that took up a lot of your
time?
I was so mad that you were gone all day and then when you
did get home, were too tired to do anything with me. I resented the fact that
you seemed so disinterested in spending time with me. I didn’t show you love
when I got mad at you for working hard. And in spite of it all, you still
wanted to come back home and see me sitting in your living room with your
family, waiting for you, and that was love.
Remember that time
when we got in a fight because you didn’t feel good?
It was your brother’s graduation party and I got so upset because you wouldn’t go in the water with me. You felt sick, and I just got mad at you and ruined the whole day. You fought through the fact that you didn’t feel well, and you ended up coming in the water with me anyways, and that was love. I just got angry and was snappy, and was rude to you, and that wasn’t love.
It was your brother’s graduation party and I got so upset because you wouldn’t go in the water with me. You felt sick, and I just got mad at you and ruined the whole day. You fought through the fact that you didn’t feel well, and you ended up coming in the water with me anyways, and that was love. I just got angry and was snappy, and was rude to you, and that wasn’t love.
Remember that time we
got in a fight because you were going to Spain?
I cried in your arms and told you directly how much I hated
that you were going away instead of supporting your time abroad and being happy
for you and this amazing adventure you would learn and grow so much from, and
that wasn’t love. But even still, countless times, you held me in your arms and
kissed my head as I cried, and that was love.
Remember those times
we fought because I didn’t extend love?
All of those countless arguments I stirred up with you for
reasons that I now can’t even remember. All of the times I relied on your gift
of patience to get us through another argument. All of those times I made you
feel guilty for what you believed, for what you were passionate about, for what
you wanted for your life, for who your friends were, and for where you wanted
to travel. All of those times I didn’t love
you. All of those times I failed you as your girlfriend. I
failed to practice patience, I failed
to show grace, I failed to
demonstrate Christ-like love. I
failed you, every day, every minute. All the while, you never gave up on me. You honored me as your girlfriend, you practiced unbelievable amounts of
patience, you showed me abounding
grace, you loved me like Christ
loves.
My friend, I am so deeply sorry for the hurt I caused you. I
am so deeply sorry for the pain and the struggle that came with loving me. I am
so deeply sorry for causing a rift in your life. I am so deeply sorry for
crossing your path and tainting it with the mess that I was before and while I
knew you. I am so so deeply sorry for the person that I was. Please know how
sorry I am. I’m learning to forgive myself for the damage I’ve caused in not
only your life, but in the lives of countless others. I’m learning to grow from
the mistakes that I’ve made and not let them define me. But I’m also learning
that this process isn’t an easy one, it’s a daily struggle with myself to learn
and grow and move forward from the person I once was to the person I want to
be. Even though I’ll never get to show you the person that I am today, and more
importantly the person I’m striving to be, the woman of Christ I am trying to
become, I hope that somehow, some way, I can make you proud.
