Comes the Dawn

This has got to be one of my favorite poems of all time. Never have I seen a piece of writing so applicable to so many of the things life throws at you:

After a while you learn the subtle difference

between holding a hand and chaining a soul,

and you learn that love doesn't mean leaning,

and company doesn't mean security,

and you begin to understand that kisses aren't contracts

and present's aren't promises,

and you begin to accept your defeats

with your head held high and your eyes open,

with the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child.

You learn to build your roads on today

because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans,

and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.

After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much.

So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul,

instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.

And you learn that you really can endure, that you really do have strength,

and you really do have worth, and you learn and learn and learn,

with every goodbye you learn.

-Unknown

Shattered Disaster

Three left broken with not a single thing to gain

Can anything good come of this pain?

And I’m not so sure anyone’s to blame

It’s just a maze, a trap, stuck in the game.

And I should’ve known better, I should’ve walked away

I can still remember how it felt on that day

I told you everything and when you had nothing to say

I should’ve known better than to try and play

Because now I’m not so sure I was really blindsided

After days and days to you I confided

And all along I thought I could try it

But all along I should’ve just tried to fight it

And now we’re cutting ourselves on broken glass

The memories and hauntings of the past

The days have gone by and now nothing will last

The space between us is just far too vast

Somewhere between emotions and lies

Everyone had to cut their ties

And we walk away with tears in our eyes

It’s always the hardest to say your goodbyes

[alc]

In A Day's Time

I’ve always had a weird knack for dates. Number patterns stick in my head and I can’t get them out no matter how hard I try. I first realized this in middle school when I had to memorize dates for history class. The numbers stuck, and in them I captured the significance of whatever they represented with astonishing ease. Since then I’ve noticed that dates become a kind of road map of my life. They stand like markers of where I’ve been and where I’m going.

For instance, I know that I graduated on June 26, 2011 and that my senior prom was on the 6^th of that same month and year. I know that I got my first dog on January 15, 2007 and I know her birthday is also October 6^th. I could tell you that my first day of college was August 19^th 2011 and that August 20^th 2011 my aunt got married. I’ve already noted that my graduation will be held on May 16^th 2015 and I know that this coming fall I will return to school on August 16^th. I know my parents wedding anniversary is November 1^st, 8 days before my mom’s birthday, this year she will be 51, and exactly 54 days after my dad’s birthday, turning 54 this year. I know I got my learners permit on November 24^th and my divers license nearly six months later on May 25^th. I know the meaning behind the 11^th of every month as well as the 19^th of December. I can recall that I was baptized (for the second time) on May 5^th 2013 and that the Red Sox won the World Series on October 30^th 2013.

I’ve always relied on dates and their meaning for the safety they provide. I feel in control when I know the day in which a major event has occurred, and I boast in my ability to recall moments based on the number on the calendar. It wasn’t until the day I realized a certain date had slipped by, unnoticed, that I felt a sudden loss of control.

I never anticipated it, I was sure that on that day I’d be haunted by the past and that first thing in the morning I’d come to the realization that it was, in fact, April 6^th. But it wasn’t until 1:20am on (technically, although you’d have never said so yourself) the 8^th of April that I realized it. And it wasn’t seeing the number, two more than 6, that triggered the memory. Instead I was made aware in a much more obvious way, and because of that, I realized my total inability to stabilize the situation. How could I let a day that I had anticipated for months slip by under the radar? How could such an important day lose all of its meaning? I looked at the calendar on that day, I did. I saw it, 4/6/14, and it didn’t register like all of the other dates do. And I’m not sure, but I think that might be the hardest part. They all tell me it’s good, that I’m going forward, and that this is what progress feels like. But it also looks a whole lot like forgetting, and that is something I never thought I’d let myself do.

[alc]