December 27, 2014.
As the number of days that stand between today and the first
day of my last semester at Gordon begin to shrink I’m left negotiating with
myself whether the things I did during my nearly 4 years at this school have
been enough. Did I take advantage of every opportunity I could? Did I seize the
ability to extend myself beyond just classroom learning? Did I do enough? Did I
make some sort impact? Did I set myself up for this transition into the real
world? Did I ring dry every opportunity, every possibility, every chance? Did I
do enough? Are these questions even worth asking, or am I even asking the right
ones?
In both high school and college I dedicated my freshman year
to be a year of adjustment. I decided early on that I wouldn’t get involved,
that I’d focus on my new and more rigorous work load, and in college
specifically, adapt to a whole new style of living. Aside from a once a week
babysitting job I got second semester, September through May I threw myself
into my studies, focused on building new friendships, and allowed myself to
build a new home away from home.
But by the time sophomore came knocking as late August
turned from carefree nights with friends to once again packing my suitcases I
found myself with little desire to commit to really anything. Admittedly, I
have a commitment issue when it comes to obligations, work, etc. I can’t commit
out of fear that I’ll miss out on some greater opportunity, or as shallow as it
is, that commitment robs me of the freedom and flexibility to spend time with
friends. So for yet another two semesters, with the exception babysitting now
two nights a week, playing one Rec-IM sport in the spring and volunteering at
my church once a month, I was rather uncommitted. To be honest, though, I’m not
sure how I made it with so much free time all the time...though I fear
commitment, and generally resist it, I’m most productive when I’m busier, when
my schedule is fuller.
And as yet another August sun set breaking way for a new
semester to begin I acknowledged the years I’d already wasted remaining on the
outside of what could be a truly rich college experience and prepared myself
for what I think I knew early on would be my most committed year of the four. I
began the year early as an O-staffer and spent nearly 10 days consumed with
training and Orientation. I played two Rec-IM sports, football and soccer, one
a semester, I worked on several graphics for my res-hall as a part of an RA
assistant type position for hall residents, I applied and got accepted for a
mission trip to Haiti for spring break and met weekly with a great team of
people, and I began co-leading a Spiritual Life Group in January. On top of
this I took a full 16 credit semester, stayed babysitting two nights a week,
and with a shortage of volunteers on the AV Team I found myself working nearly
every weekend I was at school. As the year began to wind down I hit a
wall…several, actually. I kept running myself right into walls. I was
exhausted, and before I knew it, I couldn’t pick myself back up again. During
the final weeks of school, with my closest friends as my witnesses, I committed
to remaining uncommitted my senior year. I wanted an easy year, I wanted my
last year to be filled with hanging out with my friends, and doing basically
whatever I wanted to do whenever I wanted to do it. Who knew that by the third
week of school I’d be itching to do something, anything.
I came back to Gordon for the start of my final year and
though I had Orientation, babysitting, AV, and the hope to return to Haiti, I
pretty much cut myself off from any other obligation I’d once had. I needed a
break, I needed time. But it wasn’t a month in before I looked at my schedule
written out and hung on the wall in the kitchen of my apartment and noticed
that I had way too much spare time. So began the commitments. I had a new fear
that my old fear of commitment had robbed me of opportunity, so I began seeking
out places I could get involved. I became a student-to-student mentor for the
IRON program and I applied and got accepted to once again travel to Haiti, this
time in January and began weekly meetings for that. I applied and got accepted
to lead another Spiritual Life Group for the spring semester and I began a
structured gym regiment getting to Bennett 5 days every week for nearly an hour
and half. These commitments I found myself taking on not only provided me with
the ability to grow, learn, and possibly impact others, but they provided me
with a sense of worth, worth in both the things I was learning, and worth in
myself. My 7th semester wasn’t my busiest by any means, nor was it
my least busy. It was somehow, in it’s own right, a decent balance.
But now I’m sitting seven semesters in to an eight-semester
career wondering if I’ve done enough? The questions roll like a reel in my
mind; was it enough? Did I do enough? Did I learn enough? Did I grow enough?
Did I make my 40 grand a year count? Did I make my parents proud? Did I dive
deep or spread myself too thin? Did I get a well-rounded college experience?
I’m telling you, they’re running through my mind like marathon runners, not
just sprinters that get it all over with quick, distance runners that hang in
there for the long haul.
There’s nothing I can do now to change the way I decided to
spend those first two years, or the way that over commitment tore me down, or
the way I let fear cripple my experiences. There’s nothing I can do but focus
my eyes on the things I did do, the experiences I did have, the relationships I
built, lost, sustained, and reconciled amidst those commitments I did or didn’t
have at one time or another. I feel decently content with the experience I’ve
had at Gordon. I guess everyone comes out wishing they had done something or
not done something at some point down the line, but this life isn’t about
regretting the missed chances, it’s about relishing in the seized ones, and man
do I have a lot to relish in.
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