I looked inside my soul yesterday, I was searching for even
just a hint of who I am, but once again I came up empty. I opened my eyes, and
I looked around, and I saw everyone around me smiling, and so I smiled, too.
And for a moment I almost had myself fooled. For just a second a felt like I
was okay, that I had caught my balance, and that I wasn’t collapsing. But
before I knew it I felt myself hit the floor. I felt it like it was happening
in slow motion, like it was happening in black and white. I fell hard, the
heels of my hands hitting first, but my wrists couldn’t support my weight and
so they too collapsed, my elbows kissing the ground next. Soon I felt my whole
body give in, the ground swallowing me. After a moment of stillness I feel my
body convulse and shudder and my lungs searched hard for air, and breath after
breath I heaved, but they just couldn’t seem to catch themselves.
Have you ever had the kind of
doubt that you actually scare yourself? Have you ever believed something with
your whole self and suddenly you find yourself questioning why you ever did?
I'm not sure why, and I'm not sure how, but the past few weeks my faith has
been virtually non existent. I try, I call out to God to reveal Himself to me,
I prayed more than I ever had, and I forced my way trough worship, all under
the illusion that I believed in something that I'm not so sure I believe in
anymore. I may look like I've got it all together, my Bible is marked and
written in, my journal pages are full of prayers and cries to The Lord, and I
lift my hands in worship trying to grasp something I'm not so convinced is even
there. And I'm terrified. I'm scared to death that I'm losing traction. I'm
shaking with fear that I can't get my grasp on God anymore. And I'm guilt
ridden. How can I be expected to lead a group of women into deeper fellowship
with Christ each week if I can't even find Him on my own? How am I going to be
able to humbly serve and experience the joy of The Lord in another country if I
can't find him in my own heart? How can I do these things that are all based on
a belief I just don't have anymore? I don't understand it, how can a God who
calls me into relationship with Him just leave me constantly feeling broken and
empty and lost? How can a God who is called the God of Love leave me unaware of
how to love and be loved?
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